If Cars Were

"POD" (podimus) 09/01/2013 at 19:07 • Filed to: If Cars Were, ariel atom, Hilux, 2000GT, Type 34, GT-5, Mako, Shark, Greenland, Whale, Thresher, Great White, Sharks

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And we're back! Time for another addition of If Cars Were. As this is the 3rd installment with the current 5 cars, it'll be the last time I use them. So you know what that means, new cars soon! For this session, however, well be keeping with the same 5 cars as !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! .

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To start this session off, lets begin with a little mood music.

You hear that? That's sound of impending doom. The sound of an apex predator stalking you, ready to strike. That's right, this time we are comparing 5 of my favorite cars to sharks!

So lets begin.

The Ariel Atom:

0-60 in about 2.7 seconds, streamlined, light weight, turns on a dime, and chases down it's pray with vicious speed. The Atom is one of the most raw, most deadly, road going vehicles you can buy.

So what shark could compare to such a vicious car?

The Mako Shark:

Now I know that the Mako shark was used as the design inspiration for the Corvette, however, the Atom wasn't around when the Vette was introduced. While the Mako is likely much more slippery (the cD of the Atom is around 0.40), both are amazingly fast and agile. For those reasons I feel they are a good fit.

Lets cast our line in and hook us our next car, the Type 34:

Slow, docile, not really something one would consider a sports car. It is very attractive though, with its distinctive ridges down its back and that unforgettable front end. It is also the largest of the Ghia's (due in no small part to the Type 3 platform it rests on).

I can only think of one shark to compare to this large (by VW standards of the day) languid people's car.

The Whale Shark:

Mostly harmless, distinctive ridges, not terribly fast, I think it pairs up nicely to the "Razor Back" Ghia.

Chumming the water for our next car, the Toyota Hilux:

In it's 7th's incarnation, the Hilux was given the arctic treatment by our good friends at Top Gear. This truck has been long lived (over 50 years of production) and welcomes any inclement weather. It is a hard nosed cold loving machine!

So what shark also loves the cold? The Greenland Shark, AKA "Ice Jaws".

(if you don't laugh at least once during this next video, I fear for your soul).

Full steam ahead to our next car, the 2000GT:

A car with all the right curves. The 2000GT could stun you with just its looks alone. The swooping, graceful body lines, the long hood cradling that gorgeous 2.0L straight 6, and not to mention, "dat ass"; it'll tail smack you. Yes, the 2000GT is beyond stunning.

So what shark out there is a stunner in the literal sense?

The Thresher Shark:

Time to breach the surface with our final car, the huge, powerful, AWD sultan of lethality, the GT-R:

This car is well known for it's launch control.

It is able to take it's considerable bulk (all 3800 or so pounds of it) and move it past 60 miles per hour in under 3 seconds. That is impressive. The car is large, it's muscular, and it takes no prisoners. The fact that some call it soulless makes it even more of a killer.

So what other shark has a massive bulk yet is still able to launch itself with amazing power? The big daddy of them all, the Great White:

So there is my list. Perhaps not as flashy or as drawn out as some of the lists I've done in the past, but still fun. 5 cars and the toothy aquatic fish that I think would best suit them. Agree? Disagree? Have combinations of your own that you'd like to propose? Leave them in the comments!

Want to burn me at the stake for blasphemous remarks and general stupidity, leave that in the comments as well, but keep it civil, personal attack comments get dismissed. Remember, this is just a list and a personal opinion.

Afterwords:

Sharks are amazing animals, and they are an integral part of our ocean's ecosystem. I in no way condone the villainizing of sharks or their slaughter. Since 1580 (yes, 1580) there have been only 484 recorded deaths due to sharks (according to wiki). That is a scant over 1 per year. Even in bad years, the total number of deaths by shark has rarely broken double digits. The odds of you being killed, or even slightly damaged, by a shark are infinitesimally small. In fact, you are more likely to be killed by one of the following animals:

Mosquitoes - 655,000 deaths per year

Hippos - 2,900 deaths per year

Deer (yes deer) - 130 deaths per year in the United States alone

Dogs - 30 to 35 deaths per year in the US

Ants - 20 to 50 people killed per year in Africa

Jellyfish - 20 to 40 people killed a year in the Philippines

Cows - (Yes cows. Bessy hates the way you milk her, she's going to go all argo on your ass) 22 deaths per year in the US

Horses - 20 people per year in the US

Spiders - 6.5 people per year in the US

Rattlesnakes - 5.5 deaths per year in the US

Remember, sharks are an apex predator. Like any well evolved carnivore, it only attacks what it thinks are viable food sources. If it eats you, it screwed up. Fortunately, at arround 1 death per year on average, sharks don't screw up often.

Tom McParland > POD 09/01/2013 at 19:29

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I like this one, a good friend of mine runs a non-prof called Shark Research which got "finning" banned in several states including Cali. Anyway this would be my Great White

POD > Tom McParland 09/01/2013 at 19:36

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Awesome! Finning is a disgusting practice. I'm ashamed to say that I've had shark fin soup. I was dating a girl of Chinese decent in college and for Chinese New Years it was served. I wasn't forced to eat it, but I did (at 20 you do anything to impress your significant other). It was chewy and not very good. Why people eat it is beyond me. Your friend is doing great work and I hope he keeps it up!

Now, as for your great white, I love that wagon! I'm thinking of doing a wagon/hatch only list for the next list of If Cars Were.

Feel free to share this post with your friend if you think he would like it.

Tom McParland > POD 09/01/2013 at 19:45

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I will pass it along he is a car-guy too. Drives a Hemi Charger :)

POD > Tom McParland 09/01/2013 at 19:47

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Awesome, I hope he enjoys the post!

New charger or old?

GhostZ > Tom McParland 09/01/2013 at 19:50

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Pictured: Automatch at an Audi dealership, and an RS6 Avant breaching.

Tom McParland > GhostZ 09/01/2013 at 20:02

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Awesomesauce!

Tom McParland > POD 09/01/2013 at 20:04

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New one, but I'm pretty sure he had an original back in the day. Before this Charger he had a Magnum R/T and he told me some stories about the time he owned a 944 Turbo

POD > GhostZ 09/01/2013 at 20:05

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Awesome.

That made me go look up Herman Melville quotes, and I found this gem:

“ Consider the subtleness of the sea; how its most dreaded creatures glide under water, unapparent for the most part, and treacherously hidden beneath the loveliest tints of azure. Consider also the devilish brilliance and beauty of many of its most remorseless tribes, as the dainty embellished shape of many species of sharks. Consider, once more, the universal cannibalism of the sea; all whose creatures prey upon each other, carrying on eternal war since the world began.

Consider all this; and then turn to the green, gentle, and most docile earth; consider them both, the sea and the land; and do you not find a strange analogy to something in yourself? For as this appalling ocean surrounds the verdant land, so in the soul of man there lies one insular Tahiti, full of peace and joy, but encompassed by all the horrors of the half-known life. God keep thee! Push not off from that isle, thou canst never return!"

GhostZ > POD 09/01/2013 at 20:10

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Jalop translation:

"Consider the subtleness of the highway; how its most dreaded vehicles glide under cover, unapparent for the most part, and treacherously hidden beneath the beige-est of paint. Consider also the devilish brilliance and beauty of many of its remorseless models, as the dainty embellished shape of many species of sleeper car. Consider, once more, the universal competition of the highway; all whose drivers prey upon eachother, carrying on eternal war since the car began."

Seriously, someone should re-write Moby Dick from the perspective of an enthusiast looking for that perfect sleeper car.

POD > GhostZ 09/01/2013 at 20:12

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I nominate you. That is by far one of the best ideas I've heard in quite some time!

GhostZ > POD 09/01/2013 at 20:16

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If I had the time/money to burn on it, I would. I have so many other book ideas (and current projects) I've been working on though.

POD > GhostZ 09/01/2013 at 20:20

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Well I've greatly enjoyed your writing here on oppo, so I'm sure your other projects are going to turn out excellent.

Chase > POD 09/01/2013 at 20:30

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Great piece, just one little thing.

2013-1580 = 433 years. 500/433 = 1.15 deaths per year

Another funny stat though - You're more likely to be killed by a falling vending machine than a shark

POD > Chase 09/01/2013 at 20:36

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Thank you, I'll correct that now.

I love random "you''ll be killed by" facts. You are also more likely to be struck by lightning then eaten by a shark. There is something about being eaten alive that triggers a bunch of irrational fears though.

Thanks again for the correction.

POD > Chase 09/01/2013 at 20:41

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Should be fixed now. The official number of shark deaths according to wiki was 484 since 1580. So about 1.11778 per year.

Thanks again for pointing that out.

shpuker > POD 09/01/2013 at 23:32

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Naw dude, the Thresher is totally a Suberbird

POD > shpuker 09/01/2013 at 23:38

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Interesting pairing.

Not as swoopy as the 2000GT, but it does have the tail. I can see how it would pair up.

Enginerrrrrrrrr > POD 09/01/2013 at 23:53

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Fun fact:

Mosquitos don't kill people... unless they are the ones from Jumanji.

Anyways, it's the parasites/viruses that do it. Malaria,West Nile, etc.

Just sayin. You have pretty much zero chance of being killed due to a mosquito bite in a country without malaria.

POD > Enginerrrrrrrrr 09/02/2013 at 00:11

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Fun Fact:

A vector that carries a disease killed over 600,000 people in 2010.

http://www.who.int/mediacentre/fa…

You also have no risk of being bit by a shark if you don't go swimming in the ocean or brackish body of water.
You also have no risk of being killed by a deer if you do not leave your house.

Enginerrrrrrrrr > POD 09/02/2013 at 00:23

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Vector?

Either way it's not mosquitoes that kill people. And your link helped my case...

Every other creature you named does the killing. The mosquito is just the "ocean" for malaria.

POD > Enginerrrrrrrrr 09/02/2013 at 00:28

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Uhg, if that makes you happy and you feel better about yourself.

You obviously got the point of the post and chose to comment to the contrary.

Enginerrrrrrrrr > POD 09/02/2013 at 00:51

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Sorry, just being pedantic.

I did get the point of the post and totally agree with you about how important it is to preserve sharks.